Episode 6: After the First Date

In Episode Six of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, host Cristina Gonzalez, a certified life and dating coach, delves into the aftermath of a first date. Cristina shares her personal experiences and offers insightful advice on how to assess the quality and potential of a first date. She covers topics such as evaluating first impressions, understanding verbal and non-verbal communication, the importance of chemistry, asking meaningful questions, and how to handle post-date reflections. Cristina emphasizes the significance of learning from each date, setting boundaries, and shifting the focus from hoping to be liked to determining if you like the other person. The episode is packed with practical tips to help listeners date smarter and create a more enjoyable and intentional dating experience.

00:00 Introduction to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
00:52 Reflecting on the First Date
02:57 Analyzing First Impressions
04:59 Evaluating Conversations and Chemistry
07:09 Non-Verbal Communication Cues
10:13 Positive Takeaways and Lessons Learned
14:44 Deciding on a Second Date
18:05 Final Thoughts and Dating Mindset

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Transcript

Cristina: 0:00

You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode Six, After The First Date. Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find each week. I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and help you ditch the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome to this episode of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. I am Cristina Gonzalez and I'm a certified life and dating coach. This week we are going to talk about after the first date. So last week we talked about getting ready and preparing for that first date. So now what you already went on that date and you get home and what is the first thing that you do for me? The first thing I did was call my best friend and tell her all about it, whether it was the best day or the worst date, who they were and what they look like and different questions they would ask. We just had a good time talking about all the first dates that I would had. Same with her, she would call me and tell me about all of her first dates. So we had a really good time. That was it though. As soon as we just got done with, our gossip. Then that's it. We wouldn't think about the date anymore. If it was a bad date, we wouldn't think about the date anymore and we would just move on. And if it was a great date, we would try to, keep that flow going. But, even though I had good dates. I still wasn't getting a lot of second dates. And I didn't know why, and then I would complain and, say things that everybody else says, Dating sucks and it's so hard." And it is, it's hard. Dating is hard, but it's supposed to be, I've said before, dating is hard because you're looking for somebody to hang out with for the rest of her life, to confide in and be vulnerable and tell them everything about your life. So it's supposed to be hard though. Wouldn't you want it to be hard so you can find the right person to find all of those things in them. I don't know. It's supposed to be hard. That's what I did it. Until I started dating seriously and then I realized, okay, it's supposed to be hard and that's okay. So we're just going to keep trying and keep going until we find that one person that we can confide in and talk to all the time. So when I got serious about dating, I started to go and look into each date more closely, Life coaches love to say deep dive. So I took a deep dive into every first date that I had, so I could really see what was going on. It started small, but then I started to ask myself more powerful questions as I learned through each date. The first thing, of course, who, what, when, where, why. Who did you go on a date with? What did you do? When did you go and where did you go? That's obviously the foundation of your first date. So most important thing, figure that out and think about that. And then, what was your first impression of this person? Were you like,"oh yeah, this is going to be my forever person you saw them?" Or were you thinking, no, this is not who I want to be with." I've had plenty of both. And actually with Ryan. When he pulled up on our first day, I was standing outside of the restaurant. And he pulled up with like loud music and, just got out, he was wearing a football Jersey. And I was like,"no, I dressed all cute, and you're in a football jersey. No." So it was funny, that was my first impression, but I ended up with him and we're together for four years now. The first impression is important, but you got to think about it like his music and what somebody is wearing a big deal. First impressions I'm talking about, did they match their profile where they deceiving? Are there photos outdated? Or if you met them in real life, did they act one way when you first met them and then acted completely different? When you went on a date, did they act completely different in a good way or act completely different in a negative way? Think about your conversation with them when you, okay. So you get on your date you get settled in and you sit down and you're warmed up and you're going to have your conversation. How did the conversation go, was it a natural, like back and forth? Was it tough to pull out questions. Was it real stiff or did you feel like they were your best friend and you could have talked to them forever and ever, and like the day it would have never ended. That's important, was it a forced conversation or did you just have fun and just have a great time and you like lost track of time and you're like,"oh my goodness. We've been on this date for three hours. We should go." It happens, sometimes it's really great and then sometimes you can't wait to get out of there. Either, you don't know how to ask questions or if you do ask questions, they're not giving answers that are related. If you just don't know how to have a conversation and it's tough to get through it or my favorite is when you go on a first date and all they do is talk about their ex or bash their ex the whole time. Understanding when you're going on a first date. You have a small conversation of I had an ex it didn't work out. We argued a lot, but you just keep it surface level. When somebody starts getting into every single fight that they got into and how they were right, and the other person was wrong, and what a terrible person they are, that's a red flag. Yeah, that's just not a great first date. And you don't want somebody to talking about you like that when you're in a relationship or, either behind your back or, even afterwards. You want somebody that's going to be able to resolve conflict, and just mature out of things and move on. But when you are on a first date and there's somebody that is like an ex basher, It's you know, probably not advised to go on a second date. But yeah, a surface level conversation you had an X and it didn't work out totally acceptable, and it's a reasonable. But then not just the conversation is important that you're having and the questions that you're asking, but also the nonverbal communication that you have, was the person engaged, like right now I'm talking leaning forward and I have my hand on my chin and I'm intently talking to you. So that's a nonverbal communication. That's being engaged. I'm being engaged in this conversation and talking to you about all of this. It's a non verbal cue that you should recognize and if they're engaged and interested, What other things are they doing? Are they looking at you? I'm giving you eye contact and that's important. And if they're not giving you great nonverbal communication is going to look more like they're distant, they're cold they're uninterested, like maybe they're looking at their phone the whole time or looking at their watch to see when it's going to be over or they're turned in a different direction. You can tell those things when you're having a conversation with somebody, but it's something to pay attention to because a lot of people don't pay attention to that and they just keep going and talking and having these conversations and aren't reading the room. It's basically read the room. What is this person doing? Are they interested? Obviously, or are they not. Super important. Both verbal and non-verbal is chemistry. What kind of chemistry did you have? Did you feel that spark, like the minute you saw them? Was it, did you get the little butterflies in your stomach or were you just, ah, Okay, we're going to let's get through this date." How was that chemistry? Where are you comfortable and relaxed? Or was it just real stiff and. uncomfortable. Were you able to be vulnerable with them, like vulnerable in a good way? Tell them more deep things about you. Letting the fence down. A little bit, were you able to do that? Or where are you? Simple and to the point, just to move on. What did you learn about this date? Did you learn anything about them? Did you ask them questions about themselves? Or did you talk about yourself the whole time? There's, a skill that you have to learn. When you go on dates and you're learning about them. You need to ask them good questions. What interests do they have, what goals? What values, how do they treat their family or their friends? Do they have a work-life balance? You could ask those questions in conversations without it sounding like a checklist. And if you get out of this date and nothing about them, because all you did was talk about yourself that's definitely a lesson learned for you so that you can. Be more attentive into asking questions that are going to get to know that person more. And it's just a valuable skill to have. Future podcast for sure. What was the positive takeaways? Our brains love to go to the negative first. And we can just think about all the bad things that were happening throughout the day and it might not be about that other person. It might be about you, like you might be thinking, I was uncomfortable in my outfit. I hope that they didn't notice." Just different things that you could feel that when you're on that date, it's overwhelming. You. Because it's all you can think about. When you're having this positive takeaways and you're thinking about it, that's something to really take a note of. Did learn a lot about them. Did you feel like you've known them forever? Was it comfortable? Some of my simple dates that I've ever been on where the best dates, Going to grab coffee, sitting at a park. My first date was Ryan we went to dinner, but It was at Torchy's tacos, it's fast casual and we really enjoyed our company at that restaurant. So we were on a boardwalk. There was a lot of other restaurants and things to do out there. So we went and had cocktails at Mexican restaurant and it had some really good Margarita's. And after that, we went to the local bar, the dive bar. Hung out and we had a great time and. It was just, it was a positive takeaway because we went into different places. We wanted to keep hanging out with each other. We had really great conversation, so it was very easy to get past the really loud music blaring into the restaurant and wearing some football Jersey and the Jersey is important because I commented on and I was like, oh,"do you like football? Because you're wearing this Jersey. Is this like your favorite team? Again, trying to get to know this person and have a conversation with them and it was an obvious thing. There was nothing wrong with the Jersey. Okay. You could wear a Jersey on a first date. It doesn't matter. The thing that was goofy about it was, he was like'I don't even watch football. Why do you have a Jersey? Like. Who invests in a Jersey when they don't even like something? So that's why I was like,"what is happening? Why would you do that?" It was just odd. But he's just, I like these colors. I don't even know what person this player is. It's like the colors of the Jersey and I bought it." I'm like,"okay." Still think it's super weird, but whatever. And he hasn't worn that Jersey in four years. So just FYI. So that is the thing about the Jersey at the beginning of this podcast, with the first impression. It was odd to me that you would wear something that you don't even care about. So anyhow that was a takeaway that we had such a good time on our date that was just irrelevant by the end of the date. Overall, you should be getting a good feel about how the this date went it more than just, oh, it was a good or a bad date," and really intentionally thinking about the positive takeaways that you had, even if it was a terrible date, there's gotta be a positive that comes out of it. If it was a terrible day and the positive is you were able to politely walk out of the date, that is a positive takeaway. Just being polite is a positive takeaway because you tested your patience and you were able to be a kind person and not be a jerk to people. So as a positive takeaway, what could have been better on this date? Were you listening and asking good questions or were you talking about yourself a lot? What could you have done better on this date? It's a skill again, it's something to practice. Getting a good handle on first eight questions and doing it in a way where it's not so stiff and like a checklist of things and having those questions flow naturally. It's an area of improvement. It takes some time to get used to doing that and asking questions that are engaging into that person. Not every single question that you want to ask is going to be relevant. So you don't want to ask irrelevant questions to somebody because then you'll look weird. What could have been better on this date? Would you have done anything different? I know one thing that I learned. And this has to do with vulnerability to is to be honest, at the end of the date about wanting to go on a second date. If you want to go on a second date with that person. Don't be afraid to show interest and talk to them about scheduling a second date. Just telling them I had a really good time. I would love to schedule something, in the future." Maybe that's a little corny, but if you say,"I had a really good time and I liked to go on another date. What do you think about that?" That's a good way to show that person, your honest interest, instead of leaving them with this cliffhanger, because there's been several times where I've gone on good dates and I think it went well and I'm excited about it, but I wasn't really sure how they felt. And it's again, this cliffhanger, because then you'd go home and you don't know how to chat with them later, Is it normal and as usual, and you keep talking to them and everything was great, or do you want to hold back and wait to see what they think, or there's just so many different feelings that you get after a first date. You question, and you can actually just find out. If you want to go on a second date with somebody, tell them, make a suggestion, just let them know that you were interested in them. I've had plenty of times where I was just feeling like,"I had a great time. It was nice to meet you. Thanks." And that's great, and it's polite, but it also leaves it open to not really knowing what that meant. It's awesome to get into the practice of being secure enough to let somebody know that you're interested in going out again. If you're not interested in going out again, politely learning how to end the date and leave. Quickly and politely is another area to improve it as a skill to be able to leave a date politely sometimes. i typically believed that I'm a pretty polite person. So I don't have that frustration. I have a lot of patience when it comes to getting through bad dates. But, I would just have to figure out how to kind of date short or just figure out a way to go. Instead of being like,"my house is on fire, I have to go." Or even if you have a friend to call you. I've had friends call me cause I like didn't think the date was going to go well in the first place. Then I'm like,"Hey, call me in the middle of this day and tell me I have an emergency." It's always a good way. So then you can make that decision. But what are the next steps, did that person have any potential? Are you planning to keep continuing those conversations with them and getting to know them or are you ready to let them know?"Thank you. But no, thank you." How can you tell them, I had a great time, but I think that we aren't compatible, or I think I'm going to go on other dates." How could you say that and move on? Or how can you tell them that you want to go out? So that's the next step is to decide second date or not a second date. Then just overall, Look at all of that information. And just think, if I had to rate this date one to 10, What would it be?" 10 being the best and 1 being the worst and Give yourself a boundary. You're not going to date anybody that's rated less than a seven on a first date, or you want to go out with people that the date was an eight or better. It helps you make a decision on whether or not it's worth continuing talking to somebody or not. And sometimes you might have a low rated date, but then you might have. areas of improvement. So you might have a low rated date, but then you're like this is what I could have done better. Or, this person obviously looked nervous. Maybe we need to start over so maybe it might be worth a second date. Like it doesn't have to be so strict, but. Again, read this all as a whole. You might have a low scored rates for a date, but if there is potential for a second date, just to make sure that. Not everybody is good at going on first dates. It's very overwhelming, for people. Sometimes people need a second date, so you relax and feel a little more confident. So it's important to take that into consideration when you're reading your dates, but for sure. Try to create a pretty. Relatively firm boundary of, I'm only going on dates with air betters. And if I'm looking through one through sevens, What were other things that could be pushing them into a seven and a half?" Or, like a little bit more. Into a better opportunity to go on a second date and get to know them a little more. That is really how I ended up dating when I was seriously dating. And it really saved me a lot of time. And it created more confidence in me because again, I felt more in control. Learning all these things about myself in a post date evaluation, it just helped me really define what I was looking for, how I can date better. What dates were for sure not an interest for me. What was valuable about dates? What did I like to do on dates? Things like that. It just, it was really helpful too make decisions on continuing to get to know people or saying,"thanks but, no, thanks." It just, saves so much time and it made me so confident about wanting to see them. It moved me from, I hope they like me to, I hope I like them. And it's a really powerful shift in your mindset when you feel more in control about that. That is how I learned how to date better, maybe that should be another podcast episode,"learn how to date better." Anyhow, thank you so much for listening in, and I hope that all of this is valuable for you and you get to go on a better dates and learn more about your dates and just date smarter. date smarter, not harder. Thanks again, and I will see you next week. Bye.