The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast

Episode 9: He's Just Not That Into You

• Cristina Gonzalez

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You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode 9: He's Just Not That Into You. Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find each week. I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and help you ditch the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome to Episode 9 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. If you don't know me, my name is Cristina Gonzalez and I am The Curvy Girl Dating Coach. So today we're going to talk about a hard topic for a lot of people and I might bring some tough love today. So we're going to talk about rejection today. Whether somebody is not interested in you and tell you upfront whether they go on a date with you and then they don't call you back, or they might say no, thanks. Whatever it is, there's multiple ways of being rejected. it's not a bad thing. It doesn't mean anything about your self worth. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or you did something wrong or you're not lovable. It just means there's not a compatibility there's not a match there. And you might feel the match, but they don't and that's okay. if they don't feel a match, then why do you want to be with somebody who's not interested? Why do you want to force something that's not gonna happen? You can't force people to do things. So rejection can be hard. When you're really getting into somebody and you're thinking about them all day and you get excited because you hear a text message or a phone call and know, it's going to be them. It pumps you up and it makes you feel really good about yourself. then all of a sudden, the conversations start to fizzle. They start not to be available as much. They might not ever go on a date with you. You might go on a date or a couple of dates and you were just head over heels and you're like, this is going to be it. That might not be the same feeling for that person. They might have gone on a few dates, aren't feeling it Whichever way, that they choose to move on. Whether they ghost you, whether they say Hey, things, no things, or start slowly. Fading away. It's okay. Recognize those things so you don't keep holding on and keep trying to make more desperate attempts to hang out with these people and they don't want to hang out with you. It's freedom. Rejection is freedom, okay! It's just a natural part of dating and it doesn't mean anything about you. It doesn't mean you're not lovable. It just means that person has bad taste. That's why I always say,"Too bad they don't want to get to know me. They must have bad taste in people because I'm amazing." You have to keep affirmations up because if you're too focused on people pleasing and believing that if you were a different person, maybe they would like you. No. Just no. That is not how you find the person you want to be with and love forever. There are other ways to do it, usually it's by taking a deep breath, giving yourself time to sit in it, and moving on. You got to get over it as just part of life. It's just part of dating. It's the way it works. And there's nothing wrong with you because it's normal. It's like when you go to an interview and you don't get chosen for a job. Do you, cry every time and you think that you're a bad person and believe that you needed to do something different so you can get the job. Like it doesn't matter anymore. You don't have the job so you go find a new one, it's okay. You're still the same person and you still have the same qualifications and you're still able to have those skills to do something and be a great asset to somebody's company. Or maybe it's your own company. Dating is the same way, okay? You are still an asset you are so amazing you still have great qualities. When you're out in the dating world and if somebody is just not compatible, I just want to put it out there. Rejection is normal and we've got to normalize it because if not, that's just a heavy weight to have on yourself all the time and that's the opposite we're trying to do. Reframe your experience in dating and moving on when people aren't a match. Rejection is redirection. An opportunity to move on. You're avoiding wasting time on someone that isn't right for you and it's opening up the door and the time to go, actually meet people that want to hang out with you and are interested in you and do care about you and get to know you. So don't sit and starve for attention from somebody who doesn't want to offer it to you. Forget them. When someone stops talking to you, even if they're an asshole and they tell you like jerky shit and they like call you bad names or whatever, cause guys do that. Then why do you want to be with somebody who's going to call you names or put you down? You don't want to surround yourself with that anyways. You did yourself a favor buddy, because you said you're not going to treat me like that. So you got to reframe those experiences and see what's good and what's bad. It's just a sign that you need to align with other people who align with your values and with your needs. So sometimes, you go out and you're really excited about talking to somebody and every single time you have a text message. It's that person you can't wait to answer and you think about them all day and you just start mapping out what your relationship could potentially look like you get all excited and you're all just super into it. You call your friends and you tell them about them. You went on a couple of dates already. So when you get all excited like that, and they drop off the face of the earth or it doesn't work out, it's okay to sit and feel that a little bit. But there's also time to be able to move forward. So it's going to be different when somebody is not talking to you and you were all excited and you had all the little butterflies in your stomach. And then all of a sudden it changes and they might have said that they're not interested or ghosted or faded or whatever people do now. Maybe they give you feedback of why they weren't interested in you or not. But, giving yourself Positive affirmations and reminding yourself that you are worthy and you're valuable for relationship and you're going to be a great asset for somebody. That is what you've got to remember and keep in mind to refresh in your memory instead of sitting and dwelling on it and wishing that you could be somebody that you're not. Because that's just not authentic to you and everybody wants something different. Somebody might want something that you physically can't change. Maybe you're too short, maybe you're too tall, you can't change your height."Okay, bye! I can't fix that." There's just different things that you can't fix and that's okay. And then there's might be some things that you can fix, but do you want to? Do you want to change something completely about yourself? Because that person just said that maybe they're like,"you're great but I like blondes." And you have brown hair? Are going to go down your hair blonde, just cause some dumb ass said that he likes blonde hair? No, if you like your brown hair, keep your damn brown hair. So just remember your worth and continue with those self-affirmations. I like to have on my phone, like in the notes section, to keep positive affirmations. And when I'm really feeling down, I'll just go back and reread them to myself. I also have a reminder on my watch that will give me positive intentions and positive affirmations. And it'll either be random that's just auto-generated by the app. Or it will be something that I put in there, right? It just helps remind myself that I am worthy of love. I'm worthy of friendship and commitment and relationships and all those things. Some of the ones that I like are simple. I'm kind. I'm a great listener. I love people. I love to help people. I enjoy having great experiences. I like to be adventurous. Just anything that you can remind yourself that you're awesome and you're amazing, that's all you're going to write. Even if it's,"I'm awesome and I'm amazing and I'm good at my job," whatever. Those things are all really helpful and they stay circling in your brain and it's so much better and so much more useful than,"I'm stupid. I'm fat. I'm a loser. Nobody likes me. Nobody wants to talk to me. I can't ever find anybody. I don't have any friends." You can go make friends. You can smile. You can practice being uncomfortable and going to meet people and being visible. Every single time we talk to somebody, whether it's a man or a woman or whoever. It's an opportunity to have a conversation and learn how to use your social skills to get to know people and find good matches for yourself. So this isn't necessarily just about rejection in dating. This is about rejection with life. Like I said, I compared it to going to an interview and trying to get a job. You might be the best fit, you might not be. You might have had great qualities, but you're lacking some, maybe somebody else had the qualities that you were lacking and that's more important, whatever, it doesn't matter. It's just dating and we get over it whenever we don't have jobs and we don't make it mean that we're less than anything. Whenever you stop talking to somebody and you're sad about it and you're trying to get over it and get through it. Do you get to a part where you're like,"I'm done with dating and forget this and I'm oh, I'm just meant to be single." Are you that kind of person where you're just done and angry at the world because one person didn't like you? Sit through those feelings. Understand that you're still a valuable person and worthy of love and they have bad taste or they missed out on the opportunity to see how great you are. Make it positive, because when you do that, you end up giving yourself freedom to keep going. Just part of dating, is, just the natural part is rejection and not being interested. You're not interested in everybody. You cannot tell me that every single person that you meet you all of a sudden like them and any kind of relationship you probably hate your boss. You don't like the lady at work. Somebody talks to you in a nasty way. Every time you get your coffee, this lady has an attitude. There's so many reasons that you might not like somebody. Your neighbor might have their dogs out way too early in the morning or might mow the lawn excessively early on a weekend. People get on your nerves. People don't follow directions. There's road rage, everywhere. People don't like each other. You all move on with your life and you just keep going. Think about it that way too. You're not always gonna every single person either. So people aren't going to like you. And that's okay. They're just not. You'll find and surround yourself with people who do like you, who do align with your goals, who do align with your personality. Go meet people who make you feel all that greatness and all that love in your relationships. Not the right person. You got to let them go, period. That's just how it goes. Why wrap yourself into relationships with people that annoy you. So anyways, bounce back and date with confidence. You can remind yourself how you're great and how rejection is a redirection. I just love that. I think it's a good way to see it. That person is giving you the freedom to move on. They are telling you when they're not interested or they ghost you or they fade away finally, or block you, whatever it is, they're saying,"go find somebody that's better than me." That's what they're saying. Go do it. That's the way to do it. So you want to still be active and date. It's okay. We take breaks and we don't always want to go on. Be like on. Dating, you don't always want to be dating all the time. Sometimes you need a break and sometimes you need to just relax. Sometimes you want to just keep to yourself and date yourself and learn a little bit about yourself and that's okay. But you do want to continue that momentum of dating and don't let somebody who ghosted you just bring you down. Remember that you got to go to the next person. It's opportunity to go find someone who is, who. Can't wait to spend every minute of the day with you. So when you get that momentum back and you're ready to start getting back out there and get that confidence up, then go do it slowly and just remember that Rejection doesn't define you. It doesn't mean anything about you. That is on them. They don't want to get to know you that is their problem. It is the them problem that they don't want to get to know you. Shame on them that you are great and you have a great personality and you're interesting and you're smart and, they don't want to see it. Shame on them. I've been rejected for let's see. For my work schedule. My work schedule, I work weekends and holidays. So that was a deal breaker for somebody. Okay. I'm not going to go change my whole freaking job and career for somebody because they, want me to be around on Thanksgiving, like who gives a shit? I love Thanksgiving. I love holidays and I love to be with my family, but sometimes it's a sacrifice that I would have to make. Like our family got used to it. We adapted to it. We were able to make it work for us. And sometimes my family would like to celebrate on a different day so I could be there. So we made it work, but some people don't have that in their brain that they can still make things work. Again, that's on them. That is their choice. They're free to go find somebody who is available every single holiday and doesn't work and can do whatever. But I couldn't do that. And I can now, but I couldn't at one point. I don't know I've been rejected for all kinds of things. People just told me they want to be friends. I've made friends that way. Good friends actually, by being rejected. Then I realized that they weren't a good partner for me in the first place and they were a better friend because are jerks. They were bad relationship people. And I knew that they weren't going to be from me after I've met them and talked to them for a little while. But yeah, they were much better a friend instead of a relationship and I'm glad I still got to be able to know somebody in a different way and something positive did come out of that friendship. When we met and it didn't have to be a relationship. It was a better fit for us. There's always a light at the end of the tunnel. And you can keep moving forward and you don't have to dwell and change every little thing about you because somebody wasn't interested. Sometimes people very nicely say,"thank you, but no, thank you." And they might offer you some feedback. I got feedback about being controlling, whatever. But, you just take it and you can feel your feelings and be sad or feel that rejection. It's normal to feel rejected, but it's not normal to stay in it and then feel like shit all the time and then talk shit about yourself all the time and don't, and not feel worthy or not be able to continue dating or looking for people or meeting people or having relationships with people or creating friendships. There's a time when he needed to find some closure on that person or that little moment and see what's possible. Go out and start over and meet the people who are more aligned with you. It's just about intentions. How do you want to go out? I have a client right now who's going out and she is learning how to be more comfortable around people and meeting people. So, she's going to go out with a friend that she's close to and that she trusts and she's going to go out and meet people today and say things to people and look at people and not just men. This is not necessarily just to find interest. This is just a practice for the basic social skills of approaching people and talking to people and getting to know people in a natural way. Any person that you talk to. If you are in a line at a grocery store and you ask somebody. If they like that kind of cottage cheese versus another cottage cheese. That's a conversation that you worked on. You approached that person. You talked to them, you ask them a question and it'll get easier every single time. It's just a practice and it starts from the very beginning. It doesn't have to start with dating. It could start with normal human interaction. Not behind the keyboard, not necessarily online dating because that's a whole nother way.of talking and communicating, but in real life, learning to approach people and be comfortable. is a good practice to remember. People like you or people don't like you and you find the people that do and you don't talk to the people that don't. So I hope that this is refreshing and made you feel better instead of really shitty. No, but I hope that this gives you some positive perspective on dating and rejection. It's very hard for some people to not be a good fit for someone, and makes them really feel bad about themselves. It's a process and it's a learning opportunity and it's hard to work into getting that confidence and to know that you're still a good person and you're still worthy. Just because somebody isn't in to you. That's a shame on them. Just remember. That you're valuable and you're fabulous and you're great. And these people are missing out. And that can hopefully turn your perspective around Make it a more positive and meaningful experience when you're dating or creating any type of relationships. So share your rejection stories and your experiences on how you bounce back. Do you have a protocol of bouncing back? Do you go out with your friend? Do something fun? Do you have something that you like to do to bounce back from your rejections? I want to know, tell me what you do it, tell me how you feel and how you process it, right afterwards. I just want to know. How I can help, I can do another podcast episode if I have some great specifics. So send me an email and let me know. I'd love to know what you struggle with when it comes to rejection, anything specific. And I'm happy to do a podcast about it, or, just offer some advice. Please email me. At cristinacoaches@gmail.com. Cristina is with no H it's C R I S T I N A coaches. Don't forget if you want to get on my email list, so you can hear all about what's going on with me and my life and dating advice and funny stories and anything that has to do with Curvy Girl Dating will be all about that. If I have any webinars or anything coming up or some specials, I always hear it on my email list first, before I share it to everyone else. Feel free to join my email list there is link in the show notes. Thank you so much for listening and I'm looking forward to doing the next podcast and I will talk to you next week. Thanks.