Episode 10: Fear of Going on a Date

In Episode 10 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Cristina addresses the fear of going on a date, especially when you're plus-size. She shares a story from a Reddit post about a woman in her 40s grappling with body image issues and dating fears. Cristina emphasizes the importance of self-representation, confidence, and shifting from self-doubt to positive action. With practical advice, she empowers listeners to accurately portray themselves, confront insecurities, and confidently step into the dating scene. The episode ultimately aims to help curvy girls enjoy dating and create fulfilling lives.

00:00 Introduction to Episode 10
00:52 Reddit Post Background
02:34 The Fear of Misrepresentation
04:20 Insecurities and Self-Doubt
08:16 Taking Action and Overcoming Fear
11:24 Building Confidence and Self-Worth
19:25 Final Thoughts and Encouragement

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Transcript

Cristina: 0:00

You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode 10: Fear of Going on a Date. Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find each week. I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hello everyone. Welcome to Episode 10 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. We're going to mix it up today and talk about the fear of going on a date. I was looking at a Reddit post and I thought it would be great to have on the podcast. I'm going to tell you a little bit about the background of this person's post and then give my opinions, thoughts, advice on it and hopefully it'll resonate with some of you. This is definitely something that I had issues with in the past when I was dating and plus size and single. I thought it would be great to share what I've learned since then. The title of it is called"Fear of Going on a Date." This woman is in her 40s. Currently a size 20/22. So she was married 19 years, got divorced, and had a five-year relationship afterwards. After her divorce, she lost about 125 pounds and started online dating. So at that point, she had all these options and after a few months, she found a person to be in a relationship with, which was the five-year relationship after her divorce. So she says that she wasn't looking for anything longterm and it happened anyways. Sometimes it happens. You're not exactly looking to date long-term and you just want to see what's out there. Other than this five-year relationship, she had never been on any other dates since she was with her ex-husband since they were in their teens. So moving forward, she's been single now for two and a half years. And I'm guessing now that she's at her current size of 20/22, which before, she had lost 125 pounds. So whatever she's gained back, she's now currently a 20/22. So now that she's on the apps, she says that she's hardly getting any interest. she's been told that she's pretty. that she has great makeup and she does her hair well, She's getting all these compliments, but not really a whole lot of actual interest in dates. She says that, when she was thin, she was told that she was hot. When she's overweight, people say that she's really pretty and she dresses well, but I guess the word,"hot" isn't specific in the language with her current weight. Now she says that she's met this guy online and he seems pretty cool. They've been chatting for a few weeks and they're trying to get set up for a date. So he offered a coffee date and she said, yes, she doesn't like dinner dates. She thinks a coffee date would be appropriate for her and what she likes to do. She says, yes, let's do a coffee date. Now she's thinking."I don't know if I can do it." And she said that she's tried to put photos on her profile that are realistic, where she still looks good. She has two full body photos, but she's worried that maybe the angles aren't representing her realistic, full body. So she says in the quote,"I worry that maybe the angles don't show how fat I really am." In the two full body photos that she does have. So she's afraid that she's going to show up and that he'll be"disgusted" with her. He's an average dude, but she still believes that she might not be representing herself accurately in her photos, so when she goes from the date that he'll be"disgusted" with her. She says that intellectually, she knows that as she goes on this date and he isn't into her then, so what, that's just how it is and who cares, but she's still so afraid. She says that even when she was younger and she was thin that she didn't ever think that she was thin enough or pretty enough. She says that she has been somebody who's"fought her weight and garbage treatment all of her life." So, she's still afraid, even though, she knows if it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out. She says that they're exchanging photos and conversations on Snapchat and she says,"We've been using Snapchat and I've sent photos, but haven't sent full body ones yet. I plan on doing some selfie, full body ones that hopefully show my body again. So there's no doubt." So she's saying that there's no doubt when she goes on the date that he'll know what her body looks like. So the question is,"how do you guys get through this? I feel so pathetic. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, but it's still so hard." Basically we have an invite to a coffee date. She keeps telling herself,"I don't think that I could do it." And it's all going down to her appearance, right?"Maybe he'll be disgusted that if I show up on this date." And,"maybe the angles of the photos don't represent me well.""Even when I was smaller, I still didn't think that I was thin or pretty." That is showing that she's been giving herself this information since she was little, that ever since she was thin, she was too big and not pretty enough and not good enough. So regardless of how big or small she is, she still has that thought in her head,"I'm not enough." So it's even harder when you have the stereotype of, bigger girls not being able to get dates or not being able to find love and stuff. So it's laid on a little bit thicker when you've gained this weight. Even though you've already told yourself that you're not pretty, or you're not good enough, or you're not thin enough when you're small, the impact is even greater when your larger. The midst of her thinking,"oh my God, I can't do this. I don't know if I can go on this date with this guy," she feels afraid and pathetic. And I say that as quotes, because she says,"how do you guys get through this? I feel so pathetic." So I am not adding words that she has not said in this post as far as feelings are concerned and thoughts. They are her own thoughts that she has in this post and her feelings in this post. She says she's afraid."I'm just afraid to show up and he's disgusted with me. Oh, my God. I'm afraid. Intellectually, I know that he isn't into me then, so what?" I was afraid, I wasn't thin and pretty enough, even when I was small." Okay. So she feels afraid and pathetic because she doesn't know if she can go on this date because of what she thinks about herself and her size. So right now she's overthinking, her wheels are spinning, every time she probably looks in the mirror, she's thinking about this. When she talks to this guy and she's setting up dates, I'm assuming she's really worried about her appearance even more and maybe getting more paranoid. Perhaps she's postponing the date, or just hasn't gone on the date yet. She's insecure about doing Snapchat photos for this person. Even though she's questioning if she's representing herself appropriately on her apps. She's still not doing the photos and questioning whether or not she should do it. In the end, you're not doing anything. Like you, you basically proving that you can't go on this date. It's just going to coffee to meet another human being, but you have all this shit going on near your head. What if my size is it right? I'm disgusting. I'm scared. I'm not representing myself properly." If you're guessing that your photos, aren't showing who you really are, then you're probably right. You probably are not portraying yourself adequately. And I say this with love, because this is me. I did this myself. I had some great ass photos. I looked great in. I felt so good in, but they were just those perfect angles that really showed off some of my curves, but didn't really show off what I look like if I'm standing straight in the mirror and just looking at myself in the same outfit. It's doesn't represent myself in that view, it only represents myself in one specific pose. When I go on this date, right? Hypothetically, you go on this date. Your person's not going to see you in that specific pose. They're going to see you at all angles: front, back, side, everywhere. Showing one angle and being confident about it and showing your best self is great. But at the same time, when you're going on a date, you do want to accurately represent yourself and show somebody all angles. Good, bad, and ugly. That's how they're going to get to know you, they're not going to get to see you only in one specific angle for the rest of your life. So if you're questioning whether these angles are in your favor, but not quite showing exactly who you are. They're going to question and be like,"who is this girl? This isn't even the same person." Then you're not accurately showing yourself. So that's step one. If that's happening. You need to reconsider your photos or send more appropriate ones that show who you are. And if you don't want to do that and you just want to go on the date, that's fine too. Okay. There's nothing wrong with being like,"look you already have pictures of me, take me on a date and let's see what happens." That's fine, but if, you're misrepresenting yourself and then they call you out on it, you can't be mad about it. You can't be mad if you hear him say,"oh, you look a lot bigger in real life than your pictures." That's happened to me before, somebody has told me that. That's the only reason I'm saying it. Or if somebody says,"oh, how old are your pictures? You don't look the same." Maybe they're trying to be a little nice, but they're basically saying this is not you. And so you can't get pissed about that because that was your decision to not show who you are. So again, These are thoughts that are going in your head."I don't know if I could do it. Maybe the photo angles don't show how fat I really am." These are thoughts that you can modify. You can modify the actions to create new thoughts. If you're thinking,"I might show up and he'll be disgusted with me." He probably won't be"disgusted" with you. You might not be his type. He might think that you're different than your photos. He might be more disgusted about the fact that you weren't being honest and you're showing your insecurities more than what you look like in general. You might look great he might think that you're fabulous and super hot looking and is so into you. Maybe you're the perfect type for him, but because you're showing insecurity and you weren't being yourself, then maybe that's more of the disgusting part, like more of the turnoff. You don't know. But the thing is, if you don't just show up as who you are, that might be a problem. You don't know if he's going to be disgusted. What if he's not? You're determining that already before you even go on a date. You're not even letting this guy make a decision for himself on whether you're hot or not, because you're already deciding for him."I'm not going to go on this date because he's going to think I'm disgusting." You don't know that, like you could go on the date and figure it out. What is the worst thing that happens if you go on this date? The best thing that could happen and he's going to be really into you. The worst thing's going to happen, you're going to go home and never talk to this guy again. Who cares? The thing that really stuck out to me the most was some of the very small words that she said that make a huge impact in your thinking and make a huge difference in what you were trying to tell yourself. So she said three things. She said."I'try' to put photos on my profile that are realistic, but I still look good." She's"trying." So"trying" is one of the words that are sticking out. The other one, she says,"we've been using Snapchat and I've sent photos, but I haven't sent in full body ones'yet.'" I haven't sent them"yet." So she's"trying" to have photos that represent herself. She hasn't done it"yet." And so you says, I"plan" on doing some selfie, full body ones and"hopefully" show my body again." See that there's all this doubt,"I'm trying to. I haven't sent them yet. I plan on doing it. Hopefully it says my body." This is all self doubt. And these little bitty words that are being said in her head are creating so much doubt and holding her back from just taking the damn pictures. Just teeny tiny words. And that is the mind shift I keep saying that is so important to notice that you're saying,"I'm trying well, hopefully I plan on it. I haven't done it yet." That is what's holding you back. What can you say differently that doesn't give you so much self doubt and stop you from showing these photos? Or stop you from going on this date. All of these things are stopping you from just going on a date. It's so important to see this. So how can you change that sentence to make it sound a little bit more like You're actually going to do it. So instead of saying,"I try to put my photos on a profile that shows how I look," just say, I'm going to put photos on my profile," or,"I am taking photos to put on my profile." You're actually doing the action of taking photos to choose what to put up there. Or"I am choosing to put photos on my profile." Those are different ways to say it. You need to show your brain action instead of self doubt. You need to tell your brain,"these are things that I'm going to freaking do." Not like,"Maybe." Because your brain is going to be like,"okay, then why put in the effort?" You got to challenge your brain and teach yourself,"I'm going to freaking do this." So don't"try" to put photos, take the damn photos, choose the photos. Ask your friend to take some damn photos and help you out."I've sent photos, but I haven't sent full body ones yet." Send a damn photo, just take it. It's Snapchat. It's going to delete in a few seconds after they see it, unless they screenshot it. So just show the damn picture. It's a photo one second of what you look like out of all the seconds in the world. It's just one little second of an angle of your body. What is the big fear of that? Why is that holding you back so much that you can't even go on a date, find a relationship, hang out and talk to a person because of your body. You're going to stop yourself because of that? Like you're limiting your whole life on what your body looks like and that is so not a way to live."I plan on doing some full body photos and hopefully show my body." No, just take the damn picture again. Just do it."I'm going to take a photo of my body. I'm choosing to take a photo of my body." Pick a date, pick a time, take the damn photo and press send. You don't need to overthink it. cause I'm telling you, you're feeling afraid and pathetic, because you're not just doing it, the more that you practice being who you are and showing up as you are and talking to yourself in action, instead of in self doubt, it's going to be easier for you to do. The less pathetic that you'll feel, the less scared you will feel when you're putting your life in action. Do not hold yourself back from a photo. It is a photo. That is the biggest thing that stood out the most out of this whole post. The self-doubt and the insecurity of just taking it. And I understand that there's a lot of thoughts into taking the photo. It took me a long time to represent myself accurately in dating apps. So I'm not saying this is going to be an overnight thing but, you got to start somewhere. How can you just get on the state? What is that going to look like for you? If you choose not to send these photos and you're just like,"okay, fuck it, we're just going to go on a date." That fear of"He might be disgusted with me. If I show up," is still gonna be there. So why not just eliminate that thought completely by just sending the damn photo? If he doesn't want to go out with you and he's going to change his mind, who cares? At least it saves you this anxiety of getting ready to go on a date that's not going to work out. So send the picture. It might be the best date ever. You might live happily ever after. You don't know. Represent yourself accurately in real life or represent yourself accurately in a photo that will lead to representing yourself accurately in real life. How are you going to decide to get out and get on the state and not feel disgusted and not feel pathetic and not be scared? You've got to eliminate that, thinking that"trying, hopeful" thinking. If you want to feel excited and happy and looking forward to it. What do you have to think? What do you have to think about yourself to feel confident to go on this coffee date? What do you have to do? What are the actions, and I already told you the answer, what are the actions you have to do so you can be excited and happy and confidence about this date? You have to take the photo or show up on the date. Either one of them. Those are showing the actions. You go to the date. You show a picture of yourself before the date. You got to feel confident. How are you going to feel confident? What do you have to think to send this photo? I look amazing, no matter what angle I'm in. I don't really care if he doesn't like me or not, I feel fabulous. There's a lot of women out there that want to look like me. I am hot." There are so many different thoughts that you can have to create the confidence to show up for this date. So it's not about the date. It's not about whether or not you're disgusting ugly or fat or whatever. It's how you show up. How are you representing yourself? You can be the exact same person in the exact same outfit and you can represent yourself in fear or you can represent yourself and confidence. How does that look like when you're going to go out. I'm wearing a brown shirt right now. If I'm going to go out in this brown shirt and I'm going to feel afraid and pathetic, what am I going to look like? I'm going to question myself. I'll probably be sluggish. Look down, not wear makeup, I probably won't smile. I'll look tired or bored. But if I'm wearing this brown shirt and I show up on a date feeling like I'm the hottest person in the room. How am I going to act differently? I'm probably going to have good posture. I'm probably going to smile. I might do a little bit more makeup than normal. I am going to look into this person's eyes and be curious and ask questions and be intentional about being there and showing up. So it's not about what you look like. It's about how you feel, how you show up, what you think about yourself. So stop worrying about the photo. Worry about how you're going to show up and show who you are. That is all I have to say about that. It was a big epiphany for me when I figured out I'm just going to be me and"I'm just going to show up and you can like it, or you don't have to, whether or not you like it is none of my business. If you're disgusted with me, that's a you problem because I'm amazing. I'm sorry that you had bad taste, that you don't like women like me because I'm fabulous." When I figured out that's how I needed to talk to myself and that's how I needed to show up, dating was so much easier. It was so much more enjoyable because I felt like I had control back and I felt like I had power back. I felt like I didn't have to ask permission and make sure I was"okay" or if I was"acceptable," for somebody else."I'm acceptable no matter freaking what? And if you don't think so, that's too damn bad. Cause I'm amazing." So showing up that way is so much better than showing up in fear and in self-doubt and questioning whether or not you belong. Stop fearing. Go on the dates, show your photos, show who you are. You're amazing. You're great. You're not disgusting. Just go on the date. There is nothing to fear on a date. Except for yourself. I will talk to you next week. I hope you have a great day. Talk to you soon.