Episode 11: Are You The Red Flag?

In Episode 11 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, host Cristina explores the concept of red flags in dating from a personal perspective. Instead of only looking for red flags in others, she urges listeners to reflect on their own behaviors that might be problematic. Cristina discusses various self-reflective red flags including over-apologizing, talking too much about past relationships, oversharing or withholding too much, being overly agreeable, and a constant need for validation. She emphasizes the importance of having hobbies and interests and encourages listeners to think about their actions on dates. The episode aims to help listeners create a more balanced and enjoyable dating experience by identifying and addressing their own red flags.

00:00 Introduction to Episode 11: Are You The Red Flag?
00:51 Understanding Red Flags in Yourself
01:25 Common Red Flags: Over Apologizing and Past Relationships
05:58 Oversharing and Being Too Agreeable
08:57 Flakiness and Need for Validation
10:56 Judgmental Behavior and Lack of Interests
15:35 The Importance of Balance and Self-Reflection
17:55 Conclusion and Final Thoughts

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Transcript

Cristina: 0:00

You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode 11:"Are You The Red Flag?" Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find Each week, I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and help you ditch the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome to episode 11 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. I am Cristina and I am The Curvy Girl Dating Coach. So today we are going to talk about red flags, but in a different way. A lot of times when we're dating, we spend a lot of time focusing on red flags. We spend so much time paying attention and trying to find red flags in other people that we overlook, the red flags that we're giving off. So we're going to talk about red flags you might not realize you have. Let's just get started with some simple ones. Over apologizing or not apologizing at all. When you're not apologizing at all, it shows you don't have accountability for yourself or you are unaware that sometimes apologies are beneficial. If you're over apologizing, it shows a lot of insecurity. Like you need some reassurance. I'm guilty of over apologizing for things that are just silly, like walking in a crowded area, maybe the mall, and people are walking towards you. And you're like, oh,"excuse me. Oh, I'm so sorry. Like, you don't need to do that. There's a awareness that you walk around each other and hopefully that person is courteous enough to do the same thing and give you space. If they are courteous people, there should be an equal amount of,"let's get out of each other's way." Over apologizing for little things that don't necessarily need an apology. Walking in a crowded area people are going to run into each other. It's going to be okay. A second red flag would be constantly talking about past relationships, whether it's positive or negative, if you're constantly belittling your ex and saying things about how bad they were, why the breakup was all their fault, how horrible they are, and so on, it not only just shows that you're not taking any accountability for your part in a relationship because it goes two ways most of the time. But also that it's hard for you to see any positive things. Cause you're so focused on shitting on that person that you're not giving your previous relationship any credit of any positivity. So it can look like it's your fault. When I went on dates and I would hear somebody constantly belittling an ex the whole time, I'm thinking a few things. One is,"man, this person really doesn't like this person" and they don't know how to just move on." Okay, they're an ex for a reason, we get it. You didn't like him. It didn't work out. You're on a date with me now you're trying to move forward to find somebody that is a better fit. So why are we still talking about that? So why were you with this person for so long if they bothered you? You weren't interested and they constantly made you upset or were"crazy" or whatever. Why were you still in that relationship? So it makes me think that person lacks t he ability to communicate the ability to create healthy boundaries, doesn't have a lot of confidence in themselves. It is a red flag to me. On the contrary, if they're constantly talking about their older relationship, in a positive way, that would make me think."Okay, so I guess they're too involved in their old relationship that they can't get over it. Maybe it's not a good time for them to be dating." So there's this fine balance when the need to talk about ex relationships comes in that you don't want to be a shit talker and you also don't want to be way too positive because you're trying not to talk too much shit on them, but if you're overdoing it, it sounds like you're not over that relationship, so there's this fine balance when you're on dates with people. At the beginning, it's simple to just say, I was in a relationship for this long, there were ups and downs. I decided that it was best to move on, to find a better partner." Keep it short and sweet. We don't have to have this big, elaborate. In detailed conversation about your ex it's just a first date or just a few dates. I wouldn't start divulging so many details until after you've, created a little more trust with this new person. Before you start getting all up in the details. So another thing would be oversharing. Going way into detail about your ex's is too much. It's too soon. If you're withholding too much information, the person doesn't get to really know who you are. So you could either be not letting them know, like, and trust you. But you're also just keeping this wall up where they might lose interest quickly because you're not really sharing enough and you're being too withholding that they might not be able to know enough about you to consider future. I will say that Ryan definitely overshared, probably even before our first date. It was a red flag for me. But I did tell myself,"okay, there's a little trauma he's got. He just maybe needed to get that out. Let's just put a pin in that red flag and see if, there's more red flags." But he definitely did overshare and I definitely did notice, long story short, it was something that he had to get through and talk about and it's done. It's better. We know more about each other now, but again, we've been together for almost four years, obviously it's all good now, but at the time his overshare was a red flag for me. Let's see something for me too, that I'm guilty of is a bit too agreeable and being like a"yes" person, just constantly being like,"oh yeah, I'm down for whatever. I always have fun doing anything." That might be true, but constantly being agreeable might show that you lack personality or any boundaries. Like, you just do things with people because you don't really know yourself. Or you're trying to be too nice It might look like you're a little bit desperate to get somebody to like you, or just have somebody have interest in you I'll just do whatever you want to do." creating some boundaries and showing a little bit about yourself and what you do and don't like and telling somebody."No, I don't think I'm comfortable with that, or I don't really like going to the beach," or whatever it might be. Just showing that you have an opinion about something is super important, but always being agreeable. It could also develop the ability for that person to take advantage of you because you're always going to tell them yes. So it might work against you, depending on the person. They probably know that if you're saying yes all the time you probably have a fear of conflict. They'll be able to do whatever they want, because you're not going to say anything and you're not going to have a boundary about it So they're like,"oh, this is perfect." Being too agreeable can bite you in the ass sometimes. Being flaky or unreliable can be a red flag. if you're not punctual or you're constantly rescheduling dates saying that you're going to go to one and then canceling, things like that show that you're flaky and people don't want to date somebody who isn't reliable. They want to make sure that if they ask you on a date you're confident enough to check your schedule, clear out your schedule, focus on spending time with them to get to know them and vice versa. if you keep blowing them off, then it's showing them that you aren't interested. So don't be flaky. A big red flag I see my clients have, is the constant need for validation. So if they're a little insecure, t hey might be seeking compliments, reassurance, or approval. If they're not getting it, it really shows their insecurity. They might create an argument about it or be really upset about it internally because they didn't get the validation they needed. For example, they worked really hard to find an outfit that they like, and then they go on the date and the person doesn't say that they look great or that they like their outfit. They might go home and be like,"oh my God, I'm ugly. He hates me." So then when you talk to them more, you're not having that positive energy and you're creating this negative energy that isn't helpful for creating a relationship. Be confident, don't be needy. Of course, express your needs and your wants and things like that. But, this whole seeking validation all the time. The validation that you need is from yourself and that's it. Needing validation from other people isn't always the way to go. Also being overly critical and judgmental. I would hate going on dates and having my date belittle people every time they would walk by and be like,"oh my God, look at that person. And what they're wearing?" When you're with a date who's constantly judging other people it made me feel like I was being judged too, that they just weren't talking shit about me to my face because they weren't doing that to other people. It would create that insecurity for me. It shows that they're not empathetic or they lack compassion. Whatever other people are doing or what they look like; it's none of your business. So stop talking about people. It also has to do with wait staff and how you treat servers or anybody who's trying to do a service for you. When you're negative and treat them like crap, or you feel like you're superior to them, it makes you look like an asshole, pretty much. So don't be snobby. They are people too, and they're providing a service for you. So, if you want good service, don't be a jerk. Another big one is a lack of interests or any hobbies. If you are just the person who goes to work and comes home and plays with her dog and watches the same reruns all the time, and it starts over again. It's not interesting. You don't have any thing to talk about when you go on dates. There's nothing that shows that you are independent enough to go do things on your own. So for me, when I had people telling me like,"oh, I don't do anything. I just work and go home and go to sleep and eat dinner by myself at home." Like it showed me they didn't have any interest in trying new things or being adventurous or have any spontaneity or any friendships or any ability to communicate well with others. And it showed me a lot when people didn't have the desire to do anything. Don't get me wrong, I love being at home. I love to just spend the weekend watching true crime, hanging out, being with Ryan, and hanging out with our dogs But, it's it's also good to have a life. I have friends and I might not see them all the time, but we communicate in the text message each other. We invite each other here and there to do things. I also am very close with my family. we do a lot of family things together might go to the zoo or vacation or spend a weekend together. I might pick up my niece and we'll go do something or I'll go for a ride with my nephew, things like that. There are hobbies or interests that are important to me. It shows that I'm not just super boring and lonely and do absolutely nothing. Go be interesting. At least do something. Go for walks. it doesn't necessarily mean you have to have all these friendships and be this total extroverted person. But I like to go for bike rides. I like to go for walks. I like shopping. I like. swimming. I like to take my dog out. There's so many things that you could do that show that you have some type of hobby or interests and it doesn't even mean you have to go anywhere. You might like doing puzzles. You might like crocheting or have an arts and crafts hobby, you might like to DIY at home. There might be lots of things that you do, even at home, independently at least it's a hobby or an interest that you can share with somebody that they get to know that you could do things independently because it's not always a good thing for people, if all you want to do is what they do, and you want to be at their side all the time 24/7. For me, it's a preference that my partner has a life of their own and does things on their own. Ryan loves to play video games. He loves to work outside in the yard. Loves to m ess with the plants and the landscaping and mow the yard and do research on it. He likes to be outside. Those are his hobbies and interests that he likes that he can do independently. And we can both have our own space and our own time to do things we like. So that's super. important as well. Let's see only talking about yourself is a huge red flag. Go and ask people questions. If I have a list of questions in your mind that are important to you, that you want to know about somebody. Talking about yourself the whole time shows that you're not really showing interest in the other person. You're just talking about yourself. They want to get to know and trust you. But they also want you to know and trust them and if you're not giving them the opportunity, then it looks a little bit self-centered or like you don't even have any interest in getting to know the other person. Those are some red flags. That I think are important for you to look at within yourself. So when you're going on dates, think about if these are things that you're doing, are you actually the red flag? You might be so focused on their red flags that you don't realize that you have your own red flags. So don't talk negatively about exes. Don't talk too much about how great your last relationships were, make it a balance, keep it short and sweet until it's appropriate in the future. Don't be rude to people, don't think that you're better than people. Talk about more than yourself. Be interesting. Have hobbies. Just think about those things when you're out on dates or how to incorporate some of those positives to show you actually have green flags and aren't full of red flags. So just take these into consideration when you go on your next date. Or when you think about past dates, of people that you really were interested in and they weren't interested in you, were these red flags that you were showing to them? I know that everybody is different and there's different preferences and different wants and needs and relationships for everybody, but is there a pattern that you've shown as red flags when you've gone out on previous dates with people? Do you always talk about yourself? These are things to reconsider and revisit on learning how to date better. That is it for today. Thank you guys so much for listening and I will be back next week.