The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
Episode 14: Embracing Self Love with Andrea Katen
In the 14th episode of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, host Cristina discusses self-love and dating with guest Andrea Katen, a business growth coach and owner of Avenity Business Solutions. Cristina and Andrea share personal experiences about body image and societal expectations, emphasizing the importance of self-acceptance and confidence in dating. Andrea shares her journey of being plus-size and how it affected her mindset during her early dating years. They also discuss the impact of critical self-perception, the role of societal standards in shaping body image, and how individuals should focus on building genuine connections rather than changing themselves to meet unrealistic expectations. The episode concludes with Andrea providing advice for those struggling with dating and advocating for self-love as a foundation for healthy relationships.
00:00 Introduction to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
00:45 Meet Andrea Katen: Business Growth Coach
01:23 Andrea's Journey: From Divorce to Finding Love
02:04 Struggles with Body Image and Self-Acceptance
03:51 The Importance of Self-Love in Relationships
06:27 Overcoming Self-Judgment and Criticism
08:23 Navigating Dating with Confidence
10:00 The Impact of Clothing on Self-Perception
19:22 The Role of Self-Worth in Relationships
23:22 Conclusion and Contact Information
Andrea's Links Below:
Aventity Business Solutions Website
Instagram
Facebook
Email: info@avenitymerchantile.com
Consultation Call: https://calendly.com/cristinacoaches/discovery-session
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Website: https://www.thecurvygirldatingcoach.com
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YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@thecurvygirldatingcoach
Email List: https://thecurvygirldatingcoach.myflodesk.com/emaillist
You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode 14: Embracing Self Love with Andrea Katen. Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find each week. I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and help you ditch the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hi everyone. Welcome to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. Today we are bringing a guest, her name is Andrea Katen and she is a business growth coach who owns Avenity Business Solutions. Hey, Andrea, tell us a little bit about yourself. How are you today?
Andrea:Thank you so much for having me. So a little bit about me, I am just a crazy workaholic mom, entrepreneur that has struggled with her weight pretty much all her life. That's sums me up.
Cristina:I know that you are married. Obviously, you were single at some point before you got married. So how long have you been married to your husband?
Andrea:Oh, we have been married going on almost 17 years now. We started dating back in 2007 and, I was recently divorced not happy with myself, not happy with the way I looked. A friend of mine introduced me to this really smoking hot guy that, I just was like,"wow, what is he doing with me?" Yeah, that's how long we've been together and how we met.
Cristina:So you got set up with him through a friend.
Andrea:Yes, and what's funny, she actually had introduced me to my first husband as well. So, I gave her a second shot.
Cristina:So far so good, so that's awesome.
Andrea:So that's right. Yeah.
Cristina:So you've been plus size your whole life?
Andrea:Yeah. I've always fluctuated, a lot of people would say that I wasn't plus size because I was always like, maybe like around the size 8 to 10, and my height hid it well. But I've always, fluctuated between there up to size 14 and, always had a belly and just have never been comfortable with how I looked, tried multiple diets and weight loss plans. Now I have thyroid issues to deal with.
Cristina:I get it. we all go through that kind of stuff. I was a plus size as an adult, but I always thought I was overweight because I was thicker than everybody, like all my friends. So we were like in gym and everything and when I was a size 5, they were size 3, but it's just cause I had a booty on me, I've always had a little, tummy and stuff like that. So I always say that, plus size is in the eye of the beholder. I know that they have, these"society standards" of, this is what normal size, this is mid size, this is plus size. Sometimes people are like,"Oh, you don't understand because you're not plus size," but sometimes people feel like they're plus size and that is okay.
Andrea:Yeah, and the other part of that is I have a really round face and five to ten pounds on me, I feel like all goes to my face. So even on days where you're just bloated a little bit, It just does something to your mentality and I don't know, it just makes me want to not be around people. It doesn't matter how on point hair and makeup are. I just don't feel good about myself.
Cristina:This is like post dating. So you've already gone through all the dating and this is your adult life after marriage. So it's not like it instantly went away. That's what I try to tell my clients why worry about all this stuff? A lot of people hold themselves back from dating because they want to lose weight and look better and feel better, but it's all within what you're thinking about yourself, right? Cause if you like talk shit to yourself and you hate the way you look and then you think it's all going to magically be fixed because you have a partner, It doesn't, it doesn't go away. It's all inner work. That is continuous work for your whole life, I thought the same thing"Oh, when I get somebody, then I'm going to love my body." No, it doesn't. Like my boyfriend, he would wrap his arms around me and touched my stomach and I'd be like,"No, stop it," and push him away and then I was like,"this guy is really embracing my body and he likes it and that's his way of showing affection and how he does care for me and like me and appreciate my body and I'm here pushing it away hating myself on it. Why am I doing that? He loved my body before I did. It's not just about loving your body or not. It's just about not talking shit to it all the time.
Andrea:And that's one of the biggest things that I find is that even like when I was single and dating, we do hold ourselves to such a high standard and we are our worst critic. We may think that we look so bad in a certain outfit and whoever we're dating or your friend is sitting over there going,"girl, you look good." And you're like sitting there going,"Oh my gosh, my belly's hanging out. Oh, you can see my cellulite over here." And they're like, what are you talking about? No, you look good." And we're just sitting over here going. No, I don't this is horrible," and I think it's because we're really scared to put ourselves out there that's with anything in our life. We're scared to try new things and scared to feel good about ourselves because we're waiting to be judged by somebody else. it's horrible that we do that to ourselves. It really is horrible.
Cristina:I don't think that the world is ever going to be solved. There's always going to be judgment. It's not going to ever be a judgment free world or whatever, but I think a little bit of it starts like within us as individuals, as far as you're waiting to be judged, just like you said. Do your part and not judge. Let those people feel better because you're allowing them to be themselves and be comfortable around you. So if you're not judgey or don't stare at people or talk shit or like whisper and stuff like that, it shows people you're living by example. I really think that's important because It helps people get out of that judgment zone for themselves. But yeah, self judgment, how do you stop that? Do you ever catch yourself and interrupt yourself?
Andrea:Yes. I talk to myself a whole lot apparently, I'll be looking on, SHEIN or some of these other shops see all these cute clothes and I'm like,"oh, that is so cute. I want to buy that." I won't buy it because I'm like, first of all, I don't know what size to buy, is it going to run small? Is it going to run big?" But then I immediately go to, that's not going to look good on me, that girl can pull it off." But comparing to myself It got to the point where I was like,"you know what? I'm never going to have anything cute. If I have this attitude, I've got to snap out of it. If they don't like me because I have, a pooch because I've had two children, then those those are not my people." That's not who I want to surround myself with and that's what I have to keep thinking about. That we're supposed to surround ourselves with like minded people that love us for who we are, not how we look, if we show them that we aren't judging ourselves. It's about, just building relationships with people, then what we look like should not matter. So I just have to constantly remind myself that this is not what it's about. And if they don't like me that's their problem.
Cristina:Yeah, and so I saw on your Instagram that you had a post about overcoming the fear of criticism as an entrepreneur and it's the same thing as dating. It's something that you can hold for anything in your life, because people criticize, it's the same thing. But you have to overcome that fear because like you said,"they're not my people," whatever, like they can have opinions and they can be wrong. And it's just dating when somebody isn't interested in you."Okay. Sorry. You have shitty taste." That's my empowering thing that I always say is. If somebody is, if it's not a good fit, I'm just like,"Oh, you have really bad taste. Sorry."
Andrea:Yeah and speaking of dating when I dated my husband, I wanted to stay thinner and stuff, but like I was never not gonna eat in front of him because it was like, we're going to eat." He took the time to take me to this nice restaurant. I'm not going to sit here and order a side salad and not eat. I'm going to eat, something good, and that's actually one of the things that my husband always loved about me was that I was very genuine and I wasn't scared to,"I'm going to eat that, I may not eat all of it, but I'm going to eat it and enjoy this dinner" because he's nice enough to take me out. And, he's proud of me, obviously, if he's taking me to this restaurant, so I'm just not going to worry about it.
Cristina:Yeah, and it almost sounds and I could be wrong, but maybe you felt like you needed to earn it or like you didn't deserve it, and so then like you don't deserve to go out on a date or you don't deserve to go eat at a specific restaurant. What the hell? So yeah, you're right, being able to be like,"no, this guy brought me out. We're dating. We're going to go into this date." You do deserve it because it's happening and he feels like you're worth it and you should feel like you're worth it.
Andrea:Yeah, one of the things that I always thought was so funny is when the fad was coming with the waist trainers and stuff for everybody, those little be skinny waist, but then they have these big old huge voluptuous, hips and everything. And I was like,"I fit right in almost,"
Cristina:Right, without the waist trainer.
Andrea:Right, without the waist trainer. That that actually helped open my mind up a little bit more to even, being okay with who I am,
Cristina:We're all human, so that's always going to be something that we have in ourselves. But yeah, like I totally agree. And like you were saying, you go to SHEIN and you look at stuff and you want to buy it, but then you instantly have this judgment on yourself, but for me, I had to figure out what looked good on my body and I had to stop thinking like,"the clothes don't fit."
Andrea:You actually need to find clothes that flatter you as a person as a whole. And I stopped looking at the sizes and in all honesty, I had to quit thinking about sizes because half the time I would, think, okay I'm this size. And then I would go ahead and get the size bigger and it would actually fit a little looser on me and it actually made me look slimmer. Than it would have buying the one that was tighter. So it was like, it was just all in my head that who cares about that number? Because you know what, 10 people have already told me that they would not have guessed that's what size I wear.
Cristina:And it's doesn't really matter. Do you even need to share that information? You know what I mean? So it's it's nobody's business. It's just about how it fits. And just every single brand is so all over the place. I would just wish that our sizes were like similar to men, whereas just like the number, like their waist size, it's so easy to just be like, Hey, I'm a 32 short or whatever. Like, why can't our clothes just be a standard ass size?
Andrea:There you go. That's your next thing. I need you to develop a clothing line.
Cristina:Right? Called the standard ass size line. Yeah. But it's really frustrating and irritating and I don't know if it's like something that they like try to do to make people want to be smaller. If it's like some psychological thing or what.
Andrea:I know, and the other thing that I was reminded of if you look at some of the old antique clothing and stuff, people were really little back in the day. Like even looking at my grandpa's air force uniform and stuff, I hold it up and I'm like,"I don't think my 13 year old could wear that." Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. They were tiny. I think it's also, all the process stuff that's in our food that just makes us balloon up and, make us all bigger. And like the girls now my oldest is 21 and she's only 5'3". My youngest is 13. She's already 5'8". She's taller than me now. It's the generations, it's crazy that you can clearly see like all my daughter's friends are really tall and then all my oldest daughter's friends are all short. Like I, it's weird. So I'm convinced that, the foods and everything in the world around us have to do with that too.
Cristina:They have the genetically modified food that makes everything bigger. So maybe there's something that we haven't studied yet that like making our humans bigger. Yeah. But I remember the same thing with with me, my mom made her wedding dress a long time ago. So she's just had a simple dress that she created that she made. And for my quinceanera, she was like,"Oh why don't you try on my wedding dress and see if it could fit you, to try it and see what happened." And I was like, mom,"there's no way I could put this on," and I was 14 years old. I was like,"there's no way I can fit into this." I could barely get like an arm and a shoulder in.
Andrea:Yeah. Yeah. No, that, that. I was the same way. My mom a beautiful, simple wedding dress and I would have loved to worn it, but yeah, I could only got like half of me in it.
Cristina:And at that time I was a kid, I was a normal sized child. Like I was an athlete. I was in swimming and basketball and all these things. I don't know why I was in basketball. Cause I'm five feet tall, but whatever, but I was just Like point guard. So no slam dunking for me. But yeah, I was a pretty fit kid at the time and still, there's just no way I could fit in her clothes, but yeah, it's whatever, I got my own dress. When you get up in the morning and you're having like a bad day, do you let it carry on all day or do you try to talk your way out of it?
Andrea:To be honest, most of the time it depends on how the rest of the week has gone. If it's been a rough week yeah, it pretty much ruins my day.
Cristina:So you beat yourself up a little bit.
Andrea:Yeah. I have go to pants and, the go to outfit that I wear when I'm having those days, just saying it out loud sounds really stupid, but then sometimes I can snap myself out of it. It just depends on how, like the previous day before has went, or if I have something to look forward to, or how crazy of a day, like if it's a super crazy day, I don't have time for this I've just got to, I've got to pull through it and I just, muddle through, but if it's a day where I'm not completely slammed appointment after appointment and I have time to think about it, then yeah, I'm going to think about it all day long. And if I go to a networking event and I don't talk very much, that's why, cause I'm over there in the corner going,"let me suck in and I'm so uncomfortable. I'm ready to go home."
Cristina:Yeah, but see that's the same thing with dating. It's the energy that you're bringing into at that networking event. you don't have as good of connections with people. Which is why you're there, is to connect and talk to people and get to know them. But like when you're feeling that and you have all that heaviness, you don't have that rate of success. And I feel like that's the same thing with dating. When you're showing up with all this stuff clouded in your head, you don't get to be yourself'cause you don't have enough room to just be authentic.
Andrea:Yeah, exactly. And that big doubt fear cloud just looms over you. It's really sad because it does, it destroys your day, it destroys, any semblance of you during that time and yeah you're not yourself. I miss out as well as everybody else, because usually, I'm pretty upbeat. There's several places I've been and this one lady, she's called the wine lady. And she always tells me you are smiling every time I see you. And when she told me that the other day, it made me feel really good. So I try to think about that some days when I'm having a bad day, I'm like,"I like to be known as that person that's always smiling because you know what I'm alive and I'm here." And, there's people who are in much worse situations than me, so I should be smart.
Cristina:You were talking about you have this wardrobe or outfit, go to pants and stuff like that, but it's not stupid. Don't even, because I always talk about that too. I'm a protocol systems kind of gal. And I tell my clients to have a first date wardrobe, so that they can have a few things that they pick out that they know they look good in so that they can use it. And it's, just by default, they already know they look good. So they can get all that worry out. So you can use that kind of system for networking as well, but like the, I don't know. I'm going to call it a"shitty day outfit" if that's okay. But you can have a"shitty day outfit" that still can perk you up. Like instead of getting Oh, I'm going to use the," you know what I mean? this is providing," I don't know.
Andrea:This is providing me a shield where I don't have to think about,"do I look bad? Because I know I'm going to look okay, no matter what's going on. This is my security blanket and it's going to get me through the day."
Cristina:Yeah. So it's it's your"shitty day outfit," but it's still helps you get through it a little bit, instead of like the leggings and the t shirt like me, or I work from home. So a lot of times I'll just, if I'm having those kinds of days, I'm just in my pajamas and I don't even get up. But I don't like to be that way because even working from home I like taking the time to get ready and change, it changes my whole attitude for the day too, and I'm more productive and stuff like that. So it really does make a difference even working from home and not being out. I pay attention more. We have meetings all day and a lot of people don't put their cameras up and they'll just leave it like a black screen. But we have contests every once in a while. The whole point is to get people to get to know each other and feel a little more connected. So we'll have contests on the video. The software shows you your data, right? It shows you how much percentage that you're using your camera or not, if you arrive to meetings on time, anyways, it's off topic, but we'll have like contests to see who does that and we get prizes for it. So it does motivate me a little bit more to get ready every day. I can show up a little better.
Andrea:Yeah. And that's that's very true. Cause I noticed even when I do work from home and have, different zoom calls and whatnot, I'm always, from the top up, looks like I got it together and it does, just putting on a little bit of makeup and, taking a few minutes to do something with the hair and everything, it can perk you up when you're just being a lump, that's what I call it. Not being a productive person.
Cristina:Yeah, no, it's like"the mullet outfit," Because aren't you business on top and party at the bottom?
Andrea:Yeah, something like that.
Cristina:Yeah, so your business up front and party in the back. No, I'm the same way like I'm in shorts right now and then a normal decent top, I get it. What advice would you give anybody who's dating or struggling with dating now to show them that they don't have to change who they are still find love?
Andrea:I would say they need to feel good about themselves before they even think about getting into a relationship, because if you don't, you are constantly going to be trying to please that other person instead of being happy with yourself.
Cristina:100%.
Andrea:And you end up making yourself more miserable because then that's all you're gonna focus on is"what do I have to fix to make them happy?" So get yourself right and love yourself. And then that right person will find you.
Cristina:That is so true.
Andrea:I just feel you have that confidence and put yourself out there, and you love yourself, you're going to attract people because they're going to see you're a genuine person."oh, she's confident," because men are attracted to women who are confident. They don't want the girl who's always looking down, shy, And someone they're not going to have to continually build up. I know that's, always been a biggie from seeing some of my husband's friends and stuff. The women that are super needy, needing them to always say if they look good and whatever all the time because they don't feel good about themselves drives them in crazy.
Cristina:Yeah. They're like need validation from their husbands to confirm that they're okay with themselves.
Andrea:So I would say, feel good about themselves and never, never settle for that guy that you feel like doesn't think you're fantastic the way you are. Don't settle.
Cristina:No that's great, that's like the people pleasing. It's I think what you're saying, when it comes to trying to be somebody else so that you can please that person. And I have been a recovering people pleaser and not just the dating world, but like every aspect of my life with humans where I want people to be happy and I want people to like me, or be okay, or whatever. And I have thought this whole entire time that's like this amazing trait to have, that you're making everybody happy, but you're making yourself miserable at the same time. So I'm not going to sacrifice my happiness for somebody else. So sometimes you just have to say no. Yeah, or not worry about them or whatever. I've been, I would say, a victim to it too, but trying to make other people happy in a relationship. Now I see it as dating more desperately than intentionally because I was putting their needs first and making them more important than myself and my own needs. And it took a long time. I was single for 10 years. I probably didn't have any type of epiphany about it until like year five or six of being single. And then it took years after that to get comfortable with being okay with that. So it's a long process.
Andrea:Yeah,I mean if you think about it, too if you're not happy with yourself, then how can you make somebody else happy because you're not whole. You literally have a hole that you're trying to figure out how to fill so until you are okay with yourself, then you're not going to be happy with anything.
Cristina:Yeah. See, I know I'm telling you, I try to tell people that they're already a hundred percent complete. Like I don't believe in the,"you complete me" thing and people do and that's okay. But I personally don't believe in I'm looking for my other half" kind of person. Again it's fine. But for me, I think I'm already a whole person and I'm, messy and not messy and imperfect and all the ways that I am, I'm already whole. And then the person that's coming is more of a compliment. They're not filling, or putting another 50%. They're just the cherry on top. You know what I mean? It makes it easier for me to feel that way instead of feeling I'm looking for somebody to help me be happy.
Andrea:Yeah. God doesn't make junk. So we should not go out looking for the junk man.
Cristina:Yes, that is so true. I like that. So where can people find you?
Andrea:If anybody wants to find me, they can find me at avenitymercantile.com. Our company is Avenity Business Solutions. You can find me on Facebook or Instagram, either way, again, under Avenity Mercantile. And I'd be happy to chat with any of your listeners that would like any advice.
Cristina:That's awesome. Thank you so much. And I will be putting all of her information into the podcast notes. So if you are interested in checking out her website or, checking out Avenity Business Solutions, feel free to do so and contact her. Thanks everybody. Bye.