Episode 25: Leaving Negativity in 2024, Part 2

In Episode 25 of The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Cristina discusses strategies to eliminate negativity from your dating life as you enter 2025. Building on the previous episode, she shares personal experiences and offers guidance on avoiding negativity by not dwelling on past relationships and embracing a positive mindset. Cristina emphasizes the importance of learning from past experiences without letting them affect future dates. She also talks about changing your environment and surrounding yourself with positive influences to cultivate a healthier dating attitude. Finally, Cristina encourages listeners to book a free consultation with her for personalized advice and to send questions or topics they'd like her to address on the podcast.

00:00 Introduction to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast
00:47 Continuing the Negativity Series
01:49 Avoiding Negativity on Dates
04:38 Changing Your Dating Mindset
06:58 Learning from Bad Dates
09:25 Surrounding Yourself with Positivity
12:04 Personal Story: Overcoming Judgments
17:26 Homework: Rewriting Negative Stories
21:06 Final Tips and Conclusion

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Transcript

Cristina: 0:00

You are listening to The Curvy Girl Dating Podcast, Episode 25: Leaving Negativity in 2024, Part 2 Hi, I'm Cristina. After 10 years of dating, I was tired of attracting the wrong type of guys and thinking I had to lose weight to find love. I finally figured out how to date and I found the love I thought I would never find each week. I'll teach you dating advice, share dating stories and help you ditch the dating drama. My goal is to help you have fun and create the life you love. If you're ready to take your dating to another level, then listen up and let's go. Hello, everyone. Welcome to the Curvy Girl Dating Podcast. I'm Cristina Gonzalez, and I am The Curvy Girl Dating Coach. So last week we talked about leaving negativity in 2024, and I wanted to continue that series because I know that I'm guilty of being negative as well. And it's something that I try to catch myself on and I like to be better because even when I was younger, I'd been called out before about being negative. So if I'm negative enough for someone to call me out, then I know it's probably something that I should pay attention to. So I wanted to talk about that. And a huge one when I was single, was talking about being cynical about dating and complaining about the past. So it's a combo, right? Complaining about the past is like ex boyfriends, and they're so horrible, and you're always talking crap about your ex boyfriend and how bad he is, and then you go on dates and you do the same thing. Like, when you're going on a date, nobody wants to hear about your ex and how horrible they are. They're trying to get to know you for who you are and what you like to do. They don't want to hear about what you hate. So on dates, there's a time and a place when you talk about exes and stuff like that. I don't really recommend it on a first date. Sometimes people do, and sometimes it's okay. But to me, I feel like personally, if I go on a date with somebody and they talk about their ex, most of the date, it's a red flag for me because it makes me think that they are not over their ex yet. So I think it's not the best thing to do. So don't talk about your exes on first dates. And again, complaining about the past and how people have burned you and you've been cheated on and nobody likes you, whatever it is. They're facts, right? So it happened fine. It sucked. You're probably pissed and sad and angry and all the things frustrated, traumatized, even all kinds of things. But there's like a limit to the amount of talking about it, right? Like you don't want to always bring up all of this proof that you always go on bad dates and everybody that you have ever gone out with was a major mistake and all the things like you just, you're probably sick of me just even saying that right now, and it's been probably a minute or two. You don't need to continue it in all of your conversations when you're talking about your past. There's a difference between telling a story and complaining in a story. So if you're telling a story and you're just like,"oh, ha, this happened. I can't believe it. It was so funny or I was so mad at the time." But you limit the story. Don't keep going on and on about the negative shit. You can capture the idea that it was negative and hurtful and painful and whatever, just in the plain detail of the story. You don't have to go into every single feeling and thought that you were having because it's too much. So set a boundary of the amount of sharing that you're going to do when it comes to a negative story. And again, change it just a little bit to where it's not so hateful and angry and resentful and all the things like, make it a story. Just acknowledge that things happened and it was an experience and you learned from it instead of dwelling on the hurt and on the past. Focus on what you've learned and how you grew from that experience. Being negative versus having a negative story are two different things. Don't create yourself as a negative person. So being cynical towards dating is a combo when it comes to being negative. Because dating is hard. There's a lot of mindset work that you need when you're going on dates, because you go on dates and it's not a match and you go on dates and it's not a match and you go on another one and it's not a match and it gets very frustrating to not be a match with people. When you're not a match with someone, it almost feels like it's a little bit of rejection, right? And so you feel like, oh, I can't do all of this rejection. Everybody says I hate dating because they can't deal with the rejection. It's just not a match. A lot of times. Yes, there's rejection. But many more times than rejection, you're just not feeling it. It's just not a good match between the two of you and it's okay. It's a preference. Maybe you're amazing and that person's rejecting you because they don't understand how to be amazing with you, you just don't really have to look at it as rejection. There's times where somebody is gonna just flat out, tell you and give you some feedback that you don't want to hear. And sure it hurts, it sucks, but okay. So move on, But yeah, like being cynical about dating and just being like,"all men are trash and there's nobody left to date. The dating pool is a cesspool." Again, dating's hard, but keeping that attitude is never going to get you the right person because you're going to show up in dates feeling like shit all the time, because you're going to go into the date feeling like,"this guy's trash. I don't even know why I'm dating him. I don't even know why I'm going out with him today." You don't want to do that. If you're just like,"I'm just going to see how this date goes, but I don't even know." It's hard to put yourself in the mindset of being positive and hopeful when you have that shitty thought in your head,"I don't know, it's whatever," if it's"whatever" you're going to treat the date, like it's"whatever," and just remember that it's an experience. You're going to go on a date and you're going to see what happens. And it's not just"whatever," you're going to learn from it. You're going to figure out what you like, what you don't like. That's the good news about bad dates. Sometimes it's uncomfortable. Sometimes it's weird. Sometimes it's just bad. It's hard to explain. There's so many different ways to have a bad date, but they're bad, but you learn something from it. You learn, okay, I don't want a guy who's not punctual. This guy was 30 minutes late and I felt like an idiot sitting by myself at a table." You learn something every single time you go on a date. The story doesn't have to be negative. You don't have to be cynical about dating. Think about the facts. I don't like people who are rude to wait staff. I don't like people who talk about themselves too much and they sound conceited or too flashy." Whatever it is, it's something that you're learning, but you don't have to say,"Oh, I hate guys that talk about themselves. They're so rude. And they think they're better than everyone else." It's a big old story. That's dramatic and you're telling yourself this and it's just sitting in your brain and you're like shitting on it every single time because you're just picking at it and picking at it and making it just heavier and heavier in your body that you're never going to be able to swim out of that and be positive and actually have a good perspective about dating. So what can you think? What's a different thought that you can have that doesn't make dating so cynical and so horrible. Yes, it's hard, but can it be easy? How can you make dating easy? How can you make dating valuable for you or just enjoyable, just the least bit enjoyable? Can you find humor in these bad dates? Oh my god, this date was so bad. This guy was ridiculous. I can't even believe that this happened." But again, it's like humor and not complaining. So slight difference. It's just the attitude and how you say it and just the energy that you're bringing and talking about this date whether it's anger or humor or whatever. There's just a different way that you say it that can either be negative or not. So a way to get out of that cynicism of dating sucks and it's trash and it's a cesspool and nobody's going to be there. There's no decent men anymore. Change your environment, change your social settings. Don't follow the people on Love After Lockup. I love that show. I think it's great. This is a guilty or, hypocritical thing to say, that I'm telling you,"change your environment," so you can be in positive energy looking at couples or friends or people online. We follow social media platforms with people that are happy couples. And change yourself and put yourself in communities that give you and show you that example that there are happy and healthy relationships out there. And you deserve it, you're worthy of that too. If you say,"Oh, I'm going to surround myself around these wonderful, amazing couples and I'm going to follow these couples online, and I'm going to hang out with these people. And then you talk shit about yourself and you're negative and you start saying,"Oh, all of those people are happy, but that can never happen to me. Oh, I'll never deserve that. No one's ever going to find me and everybody's taken. Those are the last of the good people." Don't fuck it up like that. Just be around those people and be fucking hopeful. Those are people you want to be around so you can have that like feeling and that passion in your heart. You're going to go find that. It's going to be there for you. You are going to put in the energy and the time to go make that possible for yourself. So find social media with healthy relationships. I like to follow Alicia McCarvel. She's fabulous. It's her and her husband. They're very happy couple. She's plus size. He is not plus size. He's just a dude, right? And they just love each other. I think they were high school sweethearts. They have a great relationship. They monetize the hell out of themselves on social media, which is great. So fabulous for them. And they're just a really good couple. And again, it's even a bonus that she's plus size, right? So find couples like that online. They're great. They're funny. They just show how much they love each other. People talk shit about them all the time, but they're so good about not giving a shit. Which is good because that's always going to happen because people are judgmental and that's just what it is. And it doesn't feel good for people to judge you and that's part of why it's hard to date because you're afraid to go out and then what are people going to think about this person that you're with? Who cares? Do you like the person or not? Are you interested in them or not? Do you want to get to know them? Do you have chemistry? Who gives a shit what other people think, I struggled without myself with Ryan. Ryan doesn't look like the type of guy that I would date. He wasn't, this, I don't know, just what I pictured as somebody that I would date. He's got a lot of tattoos, right? I don't think there's anything wrong with tattoos or anything, but I was judgmental that he had tattoos. Like he has a head tattoo. He has a neck tattoo. He's got tattoos on his hands, like on the top of his hand. And I was very judgmental. I was like,"Oh, I can't date him because what would people think about us? What will people think about me if I date him? What are people going to think from work? What if I go get some award at work and I'm bringing him and what are people going to think about him?" First of all, I don't get awards at work. And if I did, who cares? He's my partner. He is like my best friend. The person that supports me the most. He always has my back. He always wants me to be happy. He always does what he can to strengthen our relationship. We have great communication, so why would I give that up over some damn, stupid ass head tattoo or neck tattoo, right? So I really had to think deep inside about it and about myself and be like, Do I skip this great relationship that I have, this emotionally strong, healthy relationship because of somebody's appearance. So I can date somebody with a different appearance but treats me like shit or isn't as great and I don't connect with as much because he looks better to the public than somebody with a head tattoo. Like, No. No. No. No. That's so silly. So I was cynical about it. I was negative about it. And it took me some time to get through that and decide what was best for me. The emotional connection that I had in the communication that I had with Ryan was so important to me that stuff, it didn't matter. And it doesn't mean that I didn't think he was good Ryan's excellent. Like he's great looking. I think he's amazing, but it was the tattoos that I couldn't get over. So I had some personal struggles and work that I had to do for myself to see that he, it was a beautiful thing that he comes in a whole package tattoos and all, and that none of that mattered because the way I felt and how he, feel about each other and how we think and how we work together and how we're friends and, all that stuff, like how much more important that is than a tattoo, right? So I had a lot of work to do, but again, leaving it behind, leaving this negativity behind and leaving all this complaining of your past, leave that in 2024, leave the dreadful talk about how dating sucks in 2024. That is so 2024. You don't need to bring it back into this New Year. So in 2025, how are you going to make those changes? How are you going to catch yourself when you start going way too deep into a story that's negative. How are you going to stop yourself and be like, you know what? I'm just not going to go on with that. How do you catch yourself so that you can stop complaining? And how do you know if you're complaining? What's the difference between telling a story?"Haha, this sucked. It was funny." Versus"Oh my God, this is so horrible and I can't believe this happened and how dare this happen and I can't believe it," and on and on like don't drag on the story, complaining about the past and people sitting there and listening to it. And then even worse, when you do it all the time and they know the same damn story and you're still talking about it. They're just like,"Oh my God, girl, go see somebody for this. I'm not your therapist, go and talk and get through this because it's too much." They don't want to hang out with you because they know that when they hang out with you, all you're going to do is be negative. And put a heaviness on people and you don't want to be that person. I'm sure you had friends like that, or you've been that person. It's too much, and again, I've been that person. I've been called out about it, which is even worse to me, but I had to catch myself and understand,"what were they talking about?" I had to get curious and be like,"what do you mean I'm negative?" Cause, I would think"I'm not negative. I'm just talking about my life. Sorry that my life is negative," but again, it doesn't have to be. It's all about how we think, and what our thoughts are about our life. So I don't want to have a negative life. I want to have a life that has ups and downs, that I overcome and that I am resilient, I don't want to be this victim. I want to be a resilient person that can get through all the negativity and that can look past it and be mature about it and move forward. I don't want to stay stuck. So how can you move forward and not stay stuck in old stories? How can you rewrite them so that they're not so negative and so heavy, think about that. So that would be your homework this time. If there's a story that you're always talking about, where it's just a lot and you just can't get over it. And you say it all the time and you told the same people all the damn time or whatever, stop and think about that. Rewrite that story. What are the lessons that you learned? What are the facts? What are the emotions? Take away all of the emotions from it and just read the facts and then start creating new stories or figure out the lessons that are learned from that. Okay somebody sucked and they were a terrible relationship. Okay. So what was so terrible about it? ABC was terrible. So now I know that I don't want to date somebody who does this or somebody who says that, or somebody who has this occupation, maybe you had a long distance relationship with and it didn't work out and then now you know that long distance relationships might not be your thing. Next time you date somebody, maybe it won't be a good fit if they're long distance. So figure out the lessons instead of just not figuring it out and just continuing this circle of talking about it, just figure it out, and leave it behind. And with the being cynical about dating and just talking shit about how dating sucks. Yeah, sure. It might suck. Suck, But does it have to? Does it have to suck all the time. it doesn't have to suck all the time. Again, separate the facts from the emotions. What actually happened? So don't put all the emotions in it and see what happens. See what you like, find what the lessons are, find what is the good experience about it, find out why the negative parts are positive. If you don't like somebody who cusses, then don't find somebody who cusses. So instead of"Oh my God, this guy had such a potty mouth. He talks like a pirate." If don't like somebody who cusses, I'm probably the wrong podcast for you, by the way. But just an example, people don't like people who cuss sometimes and that's fine. You don't have to be negative towards dating. Just figure out what you don't like and just put it on the list and then move forward. When you see somebody who is that way, then you know, we're going to stop right here because this isn't what I'm interested in and I figured this out. So we're going to move forward. So use that as a positive thing. Out of all these people, you are in control of narrowing down who you like. So you can get out all the other stuff, like all the people who do the same shit, like every single time you talk to somebody online and they start doing those sexual innuendos or start saying Oh, I can really use a massage," or some dumb shit, or start asking you for photos when you already have 20 photos online, or they already have your social media account. And they're like,"Oh, can I see more photos of you?""No asshole, take me out on a fucking date and then you can see what I look like." It just makes me crazy because that's what they want. And I'm getting all fired up and being negative, right? So if you know that those aren't the people that you want to date, then don't date them. As soon as they start saying some dumb shit, then just be like,"you know what? I know where this is leading to. This isn't the first person who's trying to ask me for naked pictures and I'm just not going to do it. I'm just not. So somebody else will do that for you that hasn't figured it out, but I'm just not. So bye." Then you block and delete and just move on. You don't have to be cynical. You can figure it out and you can move on. So those are my tips for leaving some negativity behind in 2024. Don't talk shit about dating. Just find the positives and stop complaining about the past. Move forward. What are you looking forward to? Not, what is keeping you stuck? So that's all for today, you guys. Thank you so much for listening. If you want to figure out how to work with me one on one, I have a consultation link in the show notes. So you can always go to the consultation link and it's totally free. You can work with me. You can figure out what it's like to work with me. We can talk about it. And if we're a good match, then we're a great match. And then we can work together. And if not, it's fine. It's not a big deal. That's your decision and your investment. So if you want to learn about that, I'm happy to share. If you have any questions, feel free to email me and ask me what you want. If you want me to talk about it on the podcast, I'm happy to do that. So thank you so much for listening and I will talk to you next week. Bye.